(Nerve)-BREAKING NEWS !!

Whoa! Our whole news reporting scenario has changed dramatically. There’s no other word that can describe the style of live news better! Our News Channels literally take in avid drama followers for a ride. And what a roller coaster ride it is! With all the spice and chill and it has to offer, cooking channel viewers also like to delve in breaking news from time to time. Initially only major events, proceedings like govt. progress, politics, sports, international affairs, financial news were given coverage in a pre-defined format and presented in a sophisticated manner. God forbid the ‘manner’ part is nowhere to be see now. Every teeny bit of news is scratched off to the last cellular proton or neuron it is composed of.  I wish I can really write this post in Urdu as it is our news medium. Even Dawn News had to lay out their best of weapons to conform to local comprehension needs in Urdu. Hehehehe. Poor Farangis! How else can we feed our Awam the ‘chatkhara’ part without using local language? (even my reaction box below is labeled ‘interesting-chatkharaydar’ ! :pppp ) 

Nowadays whether it is a bomb blast, a showbiz/ sports person’s marriage, American raid, parliamentarian antics,Talibans or a pan wala’s misery on being thrown out of the house by the landlord- every inch of detail will be ‘detailed’ further. Like the 27 blood tests they ask you to get done in an expensive hospital after a normal flu attack.

Here’s how it all gets reported, (but in Urdu).

“Jee Asgher! What is the condition in Sadder area now after the blast?”

“Well Kamran Sahab, i can see pieces of limbs from people’s bodies flying all around me. The blast took away the lives ofmen, women, girl, boy, ladies, gentleman, humans and babies. The suicide bomber didn’t even care about the babies(as if they would earn extra dollars for precautions)…. Oh I just spotted this fleshy thing below my feet. Wait, let me see what it is. I think it’s s human heart. Camera focus please! Oh no! Kamran Saheb, it’s a goat’s kidney. My God! The situation is out of our hands. The poor goat will never forgive the bomber. We will contact the Interior Minister soon to grant money to the motherless lamb now.

On the entertainment front ,

“Jee Navaid Saheb, I can see Sania wearing jeans in Pakistan now. It seemed unreasonable for the bride to spend a lot of money to buy something below the knee- only for a short time in Susraal .So we have investigated the Shoaib’s khala zaad’s wife’s brother-in-law, Mr. Shakeel and he informed us on the condition of “anonymity” that Shoaib lent it to her. But what will he wear himself now? We would like our eager viewers to sms and tell us their views on how long this marriage can continue with the groom lending his clothes to protect ‘Qaum ki izzat”? What will be the after-effects of giving all his pants to Sania? Will he play 20-20 in Sania’s skirts then………..............................? Keep waiting for more updates!”

 

p.s. Oh plzz all of U out there! Stop Laughing!! 

As if I told u that Edward Collins just proposed Meera ! Go n do ur Sunday chores now !!!!!!!!!!!!