It had been seen in past decades that women who were victims of domestic violence were married into a joint family with a horrible ‘witch-of-a-mother-in-law’ (or nund) creating havoc in her life by provoking the husband against her. Women who were barely matric pass, almost girlish when they were married to older guys with a big age gap and no mental compatibility.
However, in the past decades it has been seen that the rise of literacy has led women to have atleast a bachelor’s degree before being married off in a literate family with few family members only. Also the in-laws remain calm and contended with their daughters at least for a longer period than before.
Within the set up described above there are mothers who are overly-possessive about their son and tend to get too involved in his affairs. As they are educated and have a high profile in society no one thinks that such fine lady can keep her son and her husband so hen-pecked.!! The son obeys her every command and unknowingly submits to her will which means limiting the free-will of his wife to the extent that there’s no way out than divorce (which most probably the woman seeks in today’s era).
- Why is it so?
- Is there really a negative side to motherly love?
My point remains that why cannot mothers let go of their sons esp. if he’s an only son?- Isn’t it sheer insecurity?
- Are they so afraid that the only submissive male in her life will also go away?
- Is it embedded in her own past when she was mistreated by her father or husband?
- When a mother starts acting like a villain in her son’s marriage it makes her fall down from her pedestal –her highest place in the life of mankind since existence- why oh why?
I have seen marriages being broken b/c of mothers actually swearing by their honor that they wouldn’t forgive her son if he doesn’t give divorce to a girl. It actually happened with a close friend. The mother came happily to ask for Rishta. Nikah got done on the 3rd day as the guy flew abroad. After one year he started cutting contact and then one day the couple’s mothers met whereby the guy’s mom said “we are sorry, I want my son to get married to my niece. I have nothing against your girl, but I can’t let this nikah continue”. No amount of persuasion, solutions bore any fruit. And my friend remained a bachelorette (without rukhsati- “living together”).
This is just one instance. There will be countless others. The only difference in the in-laws trouble this time around is we are talking of educated, sensible women sometimes even God-fearing ones-women who are seen with respect in society. With such a great social status of the mother, at most the guy gets blamed for breaking the relationship whereas men as STUPID as they usually are in close relationships remain clueless. Once again this argument never justifies their inability to GRASP a situation and solve it.
Men need to know they are able, adult and allowed by Islam to keep their wives separately and solve matter. Torturing a girl mentally or physically deprives the mother of her ‘heavenly status’, a boy of his good herring in heavens and leads all those in this relationship suffer in their lives for a long time. Mothers please think again. Even of you are bringing up a toddler. Will you be this way?
- Will you be able to understand the needs of the newly-weds instead of comparing ‘attention span’ your child once (now in your arms) used to give you to that of the new girl?? Tell me?
p.s. Guys you also tell me esp. those who can give their lives for their mother.
- Would you choose your wife over your mother if your spouse is right? Clearly?
****************************************8
do read How to expect less in a relationship?? to save urself relationship trouble.
23 comments:
Wow, that's a really selfish thing to do- for her to enforce divorce on her son. What a pain.
Yeah I think mothers should prepare themselves before jumping up and down for their 'dulaara's' wedding. They need to learn to let the string loose for their sons and think of the couple's happiness not just her own..should'nt it be her son's happiness in building his own family that should make her happy too !!?
In my opinion parents should have nothing to do with their children's martial life.
Nice post.
Wife vs Mother is the hardest question, and it is not always about right and wrong. With emotions, there are lot of grey areas...if you know what I mean.
No matter which side of the world you are on, it seems the relationship between Mother and daugther in laws is a challenging one. I think the balance comes in only when the daughter in law allows herself to realise and understand that the mother will always be right and first for her son:)
Haa-ay. what a pain.
Thanks..janan..and zehra
@najwa "lollzz at "dulara" . u just reiforced my point
@tauqeer: only male yet to comment.thanx
Blue peral:: thanx for touching here,,,,,yaar
@asma :Welcome on my blog post !!
Catgirl,
Thought provoking post and brings out reality on ground. May I request you to read my post Happy Married Life written in 3 parts in Oct - Nov 2009 where I have made efforts to bring out expectations of each involved person, girl or boy or parents, in separate parts and also suggested their obligations. I will be so grateful if you and your readers give valuable views to add on to what I felt. I request you to give your views on my recent post Please Do Not Accept This.
Take care
as Tauqeer says that "with emotions, there are lot of grey areas".. there are always two sides of the story. one (man in this case) cannot be judge based on old similar rivalry stories. i have seen personally where Wife(DIL) are too much in-secure and have no respect or care about in-laws while she expects her husband to treat her family like royals. there are lot of girls that are ‘witch-of-a-daughter-in-law’ and destroys the harmony.
very intereting read.
Nosh..
who r u anonymous?
CATGIRL, Thanks for interesting article. By the way, Can I ask you something about Blogger? I started Blogger a week ago but when I copy and paste some sentence of my blog post on Google searching, any searching results come out. can't search my blog post on google.. Do you know the reason? I am really sorry for unrelated comment with this blog post.. ^_^;
one of your well-wishers :)
Hmmmm...
This is a really interesting topic.
@Anonymous: im sure u know me in real life..no one calls me Nosh on blog
@junes: u hav started ur blog just a few weeks ago. ur bog will appear in Google search after 2-3 months. so wait!
n its Ok u can contact me for any blog query again.
@Eeeshie: thank u so much n i lovve ur name !
This is just my second comment on your profile after the first comment that you mentioned, don’t know who is this , your ‘anony-well-wisher’
I came here after quite a long time and saw you are standing at the same point where we were standing before, still we are , yet everything around is changed.. isn’t it ?
@Anon: Look i've had enuff wid anon ppl. they make me S.I.C.K.
i dun wanna start any chat/fight wid u. come out in the open n if u dun feel like. i AM not gonna reply anymore.
dun read my blog again. i hav a substantial fan following. i dun need more.
GOOD BYE!
but i miss you very much.
I a son whose mom parents have been separately for the past 18 years(legally married though) because of my dad's meddling mom. My parents were living abroad after their marriage, however my grandma didn't like that. She kept insisting that dad send Mom back to Pakistan to live with her in-laws. My dad finally gave in (I was 3 years old back then), promising my mom that he'd come to Pakistan after he had saved some money. Now my Mom was living with her in-law and naturally the two(my parents) grew apart. That's how my grandma ruined it for my Mom and my dad naivety didn't help much either. My Mom is to blame too, but she couldn't have done much. She was a educated women but she had no experience in household politics as her mother, my maternal grandma, spent her life without any in-laws.
Hmm! Now about my relationship with my mom and how it'll affect my relationship with my Mom. My Mom's disastrous marriage means that she is very possessive of me, and I respect her for raising me alone and not asking for a divorce for she feared my dad would discontinue child support. I intend on living with my Mom(or her living with me) until one of us dies. I can't leave her alone when I don't need her anymore. Before I get married I'll ask my future spouse if she is okay with that, cause living with one's mother in-law is not everyone's idea of marriage.
Some good that has come of this failed marriage is that I communicate much better with my mom than most mom and sons(I guess). I understand that what my dad did to her was wrong and I will make sure that I don't do that to the woman I marry. My mom and I talk about this sometimes and I have to assure her at times that I won't abandon her no matter what. Would I choose my spouse if she is right? Well I trust my mom, I believe she'll listen to reason and not curse like her own predecessor(mom in-law). And I hope that my future spouse is someone who listens to reason too. If the two of them are smart and willing to compromise it would be smooth sailing.
Can't know what'll happen until I actually get married. Hope everything turns out okay.
On being with my mom.
I am living with her here in Pakistan, despite being called a fool for not going to USA, for higher education. I'll have to leave her for a while when I do go the USA, cause her immigration will take some time after I get there.
My dad's coming back to Pakistan(he'll be living with his mom), for good. So I'll leave when he get's here and he can help out, while the real man of the house(me of course) is away. This sounds like a cycle. My dad living with his mom and me wanting to live with mine. This is depressing. Sorry if it's too much detail.
@saeed: i've read ur detailed comments n i must say m soooooooooooooooo very glad to make u read it n receive ur reply. i was soo intrigued dat i immediately felt like tracing u n even checked ur fB id.
how did u find my blog?? plz do follow it. i wud love to hav ur feedback ... n do hav mercy in ur heart towards ur would be spouse. r u still studying or on job??
I have no idea how I found this blog(amnesia). Just added you to my reading list, so you're being followed.
I'm still studying, 6 more months till I graduate. Hope life works out.
Loved this post as my Dad being a super obedient son, has deprived me of growing up with him, despite him being alive. It's not like Grandma hated me, but my life was ruined too(sorta). Sorry for the typos in my comments.I'm just too lazy to read my comments before I post them.
Post a Comment